apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
