just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
