What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
