Tell her she can't have a vagina
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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