Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
