Nicole vs. Life
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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