Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Randomize
