You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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