I was born with a shot glass in my hand
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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