I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
