this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
