He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
