um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
