So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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