Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
