Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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