If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
