THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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