Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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