guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
