I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
