So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
