I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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