so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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