I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
