I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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