I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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