sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
