it wasn't lemon gatorade
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
