I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
