I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
