vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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