3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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