I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
