oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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