thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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