She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
