mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
