When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
