We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
