my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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