Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
