she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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