Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
