Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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