By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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