Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
