I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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