god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Life is so much better after having sex.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
