we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
