the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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