Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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