so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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