omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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