you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
