My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
