can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Alive.
So much puke
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
