Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize