it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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