My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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