Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
